i cannot sleep tonight — everytime i close my eyes i see my baby nieces and nephews. as babies. and my partner really pissed me off, tonight and last night. i can't believe they were babies like that before, and now they are grown. baby mari's smile was really something. she had such a sweet spirit. strong and sweet. she used to annoy the shit out of me. i hate thinking of myself at that age. i was such a bad person, no morals, fucking every man i could, cheating on every boyfriend i had. stying up all night every night, literally never doing my homework, cheating all the time in class. begging people to share their test anwers with me. always...always, late to school. running from my car to my locker to first period. never, ever ate, ever. for real. and never had lunch money, always bummed it from someone else. drinking before school & after, smoking weed any chance i got even though i didn't even like weed really i just wanted the attention. all that and i still had to help raise my niece & be the perfect sister & aunty. and i absolutely failed. i used to yell at her, get annoyed with her, fuck with her. some sort of power play. it really breaks my heart today and has for a long time. and it really makes me think of how many kids are raising kids. mari included. i worry about her with linden and brandon. i worry about her ability to be young and a shit person.

wind relations..
steady flow from one thing into the next. breathless in the sweep. im dreaming of clothing, wind swept. is this a performance? perhaps a performance. how does this work?